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Absolutism 5000
Rudy Waltz

ARE YOU TIRED OF LEARNING? Only want to listen to one side of an argument and then be done with it? Tired of taking more than twenty seconds to make up your mind on important world affairs?

Whether your tired of learning, (or never embarked on such a path), we here at ONE WORLD INC. understand your desire to be set in your ways for good. Tired of people who study the issues going on and on with their "pertinent information"? Well now you’ve got a little something-something to share with them, and it’s anything that pops in your deluded little mind. Because when you start taking ABSOLUTISM 5000 in liquid or gel-cap form, whatever you say is GUARANTEED to be ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

You won’t even need to ponder your own capricious statements or check them against the observations of others in that field, because you’ll know you’re right. How? You just do! ABSOLUTISM 5000 has converts all over the world. Recently we went on the streets to ask some of its users what’s on their minds. Like this seemingly nice little old lady named Nancy: "Well, I can only feel sorry for all the Buddhists, Native Americans and all other Atheists, cuz’ they are all going to rot in hell with dragons and ghouls and monsters who can’t do anything right."

Boy, you’ve got to be stupid not to agree with that! Notice the wrinkled brow above the piercing eyes on Nancy – that’s ABSOLUTISM 5000 at work. And as long as she takes her daily supplement, she’ll be on the team that is right, all the way to the point where she finally cracks and gets sent to a hospital.

Ah, here’s another happy customer named Simon: "We bombed the shit out of Iraq and that’s a good thing! All these unpatriotic yahoo’s saying it was over oil need to get out of America as far as I’m concerned. It’s ridiculous to think this war was over the present administrations oil interests; I mean the whole "oil-thing" –that’s just way to obvious of a conclusion!"

That’s right, you heard that last statement correctly. I’m not making any of this stuff up folks, these are real statements from real people, including the assertion that our invasion of Iraq is not over oil, because that is too obvious. I certainly hope this man answers any questions you may have on the strength of ABSOLUTISM 5000. You may even feel the need to inform Simon of certain facts on the matter, such as Dick Cheney being a C.E.O. for Halliburton who gave the vice president a generous amount of cash when entering office and then received, post-war, a no-bid contract, but you might as well be talking to your dog about not licking it’s own balls, because Simon is so hopped up on Absolutism that he is just going to continue playing air guitar to the "Let’s Roll" song until he falls over.

Now let’s hear from this young lady we talked to at the mall: "It’s like, George Bush prayed to God for a ‘protective layer of divine energy over America’. (And this is accurate if anyone recalls), So if some people who are jealous of us, shoot a missile at us, since the protective film the President requested was sealed at the borders by God himself, the missile will like, bounce off the invisible bubble-thing and drop, I dunno’, on Canada or Mexico or whatever."

That’s ABSOLUTISM 5000! Whether we use it for our future dealings with the Middle East, or to fuel debates about what is wrong with a local sports team, or to assess who’s going to spend forever and ever with a giant monster, and who gets to spend it with a long-haired Jewish guy from another dimension. Whatever YOU use it for, Absolutism 5000 is guaranteed to make that business meeting, family get together, or night on the town, one of the most excruciatingly unenjoyable events in your life. And people everywhere are taking it!

Listen to this well-known politician who has been a user since the seventies! "Making our environment less contaminated from lead and mercury poising is threatening American jobs! We must accept the life threatening pollution of our country and children in order to never make any adjustments in industry as long as we live. Just like it says in the constitution…."

Is our product AMAZING or what? And it’s taking over the country by storm! It’s not that the information isn’t out there, it is. For instance: The breast milk of most mothers is contaminated by pesticide residue; lead is being found in hazardous amounts in park playgrounds, and in general our water and air are becoming increasingly undrinkable and unbreathable. But that didn’t stop thousands in attendance of our politicians speech from exploding in applause and dreaming of living on the moon or Mars and all other kind of places that are completely uninhabitable by any stretch of the imagination except for Ray Bradbury’s – who is out of his fucking mind.

Why learn how to keep a beautiful and lush planet alive, when we can just dream and long to move to a cold dead one? That’s the power of Absolutism – there is no learning, just knowing. I myself first heard of the product while sitting in a deli. I had been chatting with a stranger about the whole terrorism thing for about ten seconds when he suddenly blurted out, "all these shitty little countries are just mad because, America is the greatest country in the world!"

I changed the subject immediately to baseball, "So how about those Giants?" "Who cares?" He shot back, "Baseball sucks. Football is the greatest sport in the world!" Again, I really am not making any of this up. This individual made these declarations within thirty seconds of one another. So I contemplated: This guy was either irrelevant or short-sighted, or, HE HAD A SECRET FOR KNOWING WHAT THE GREATEST THINGS IN THE WORLD WERE!

I thought: wow! What kind of super computer did he have up in there? And the calculations were summoned so fast! It was like he didn’t even have to think about it. As if there was one of those Star Trek modules installed in his skull with all the colorful blinking lights blinking in quick succession and making blooping and bleeping sounds with little machines unspooling ticker tape inscribed with estimations and graphs, but it was none of that! What it was, he told me, was of course, ABSOLUTISM 5000! He then took a bite of his turkey avocado on rye and said, "This is the best sandwich in here by far."

Walking down the street I now finally realized why so many people seemed to know what music bands were valid and which were not; what authors were great or not; and because of certain ingredients inherent in absolutism, felt compelled to convince me of their conclusions.

I then walked into a store and became excited. Soon I too would know what country ranked as number one, and who came in at two, three and four. Hell, I’ll even know where Finland registered. I grabbed a jar of ABSOLUTISM 5000 off the shelf that day and instantly I was hooked. I even liked it so much; I bought the company.