In Defense of Freedom
My fellow Americans, the world is changing fast,
and from time to time it will be my duty to instruct you
on outmoded ideas that no longer stand up to interrogation—
excuse me, I mean, stand up to inspection in the 21st century.
Today’s subject is torture.
First, let me make one thing perfectly clear:
the US of A does not torture people;
what follows is a hypothetical discussion.
My friends, torture has gotten a very bad rap
in this society. We just have to hear the word
“torture” and we jump to the conclusion “bad.”
My friends, that is just so 20th century. 9/11.
Think about mankind’s first medical advances:
how did people find out how the body worked?
By skinning their enemies alive, that’s how.
Disemboweling was another great advance.
Where would medicine be today without all we learned
trying to keep people alive in excruciating pain
after they’d been skinned and disemboweled?
Then you’ve got your pioneering Aztec heart surgeons,
who perfected the first half of the heart transplant operation
centuries ahead of conventional medicine.
And while we’re talking about bleeding hearts,
the Liberals will tell you torture doesn’t produce
good information because people under torture
will lie and tell you anything you want to hear.
Anyone who’s ever watched 24 knows that’s
ridiculous. And anyway, if the poor bastard is
innocent, we need him to lie about something,
preferably some fantastic plot to blow shit up.
Without that kind of evidence, how would we
ever convince you we’ve got your back?
And what reason would we have to hold him,
him being, like, you know, innocent and all?
Sometimes domestic torture isn’t working—
maybe because we’re new at it, maybe
because we have “legal technicalities” here
that other countries don’t have—our hands tied
by bogus restrictions like “innocent till proven guilty”—
I mean, how lame is that, for gosh sakes?
when innocent lives may be at stake—
so if we can’t get the job done here,
we do what a free market dictates,
we outsource to people who can
do it better and cheaper. 9/11.
If you say, “habeas corpus,” to me, I hear it as
a request for my rendition of I Ain’t Got Nobody,
and what an extraordinary rendition it is!
People say we’ve squandered all our moral capital,
we don’t know how to work with other countries any more.
But we know other countries are better at torture than we are;
they’ve been doing it a long time, they have like, traditions,
and we respect that, so we work with those countries
to ensure our suspects the most efficient torture
the free market has to offer. 9/11.
In conclusion, my fellow Americans, I urge you to put
any reservations you may have about torture out of your mind.
Hold onto the idea that if the US of A did torture people,
we wouldn’t torture you, we’d only torture terrorists,
who hate us for our freedom. They’re not people, they’re…
terrorists, who hate us for our freedom. 9/11.
Trust us. We’ve got your back.
Trust us, or we might want your ass too,
and your balls
and your heart
and your bowels …