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2009

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From “Ibn Gitmo Flarf Cells”
(a distracted meditation on Abu Ghraib)
Phil Metres

16.  You Are An Unbelievable Vacuum Salesman (So Come Right In)

Look: a guy who’s naked and smoking crack
deserves to get eaten by an alligator.  Let that be
a lesson to you ladies, don’t mess with a man’s
sandwich.  Fuckin’ crazy people in this world,
Gamers With Jobs.  All because these neanderthals
got their jollies off naked men.  Sleep deprivation
doesn’t mean making them do a man
sandwich.  Look: God is NOT an Asshole. 
Why not electrodes attached to Your ball?
Such forces conferred a high survival value
on puny naked man living in intimate
communion with a hostile environment.  I’m behind
the times on this, apparently.  But would it kill
them to offer a hungry man a sandwich? 

17.  This Chronic Shingles Pain is Also Known As Former Employer

If Huda Alazawi was one of the few females
imprisoned at Abu Ghraib, are you going
to watch the Oscars?  Entirely.  I’m excited
about The Oscars.  I think about them
all the time, want to watch Video Partying
After The Oscars.  Images of prisoners
on the red carpet?  Who was best dressed?
Bush claims that demolishing Abu Ghraib
and replacing it with Sunday’s Oscars ceremony
might be just the thing.  Jon Stewart, tread
lightly, and carry a big schtick, since a former
US Army interrogator described using
Cate Blanchett at last year’s Oscars.  Warning:
some of the images you’re about to

18.  Unbelievably Tender Headlock (O Sweet Jesus)

become suicide bombers, and that’s been nominated
for an Oscar.  We did that for amusement.  I came
into the Joan and Melissa Rivers pre-Oscar show
a bit late.  Had a few pints at the local bar
and mistimed my viewing duties.  The hardest
working dress in America?  Security is tight.
From the red carpet, there’s a prescribed route
to the Share This Video.  Here’s a little treat
in honor of the closing of Abu Ghraib, since 2006
Oscars will not be remembered as a paragon of
concealed involvement.  Next up, Naomi Watts
about being tied up by Donald Rumsfeld,
and forcefed paparazzi photographs
of stars, frozen in the moment of blinking.

19.  Thank You (For Getting the Hell Out of My Sight)

But why is the portrait of Gus on the coffee table? 
I did pretty well for a round or two, but I missed
a feint and he slipped a nasty uppercut, knocking me,
(in my dream), unconscious. I also bought a bag
of pork buns at a carryout on East Broadway.
Execution photos don’t really turn me on.
Evey (Natalie Portman) scarfs down her eggy,
and then helps fight oppression.  Current conditions
may be seen above, and may be monitored
via the Museum’s Circle Cam.  Nothing like cinema
for breath-taking images of power and inspiration. 
Plus, we need the ginseng.  I prepared to flee,
of course, but something stopped me—his look—
proud and fierce, and yet strangely vulnerable.

20.  Viagra Niagara

What a great surprise ending, I am still
laughing!  So this is a man...who’s naked
and acts like a dog.  There's an animal thrill
to staring at naked women too.  Do I give
the thumbs up to some guy walking past me
simply because we’re both wearing loafers?
It’s like they have never seen a grown man
naked wearing a hockey mask before.
I asked my proctologist how everything looked
and he gave me two thumbs up.  I give it 30
thumbs up because it’s so funny and goofy.
Just you wait until that talking dog you dissed
reads your blog post and puts his hands
on your breasts and makes you bark like a dog.