Summer 2010

Aromatherapy For Neurotic Insects

Mark States

I wonder why the local store puts cans of RAID next to the cans of air freshener –
kill the bugs AND still have a country garden in your home?

You want to be inclusive & open-minded, but it has to be a certain class of nature:
the high society types with sweet aromas of expensive perfume, not
the riff-raff barging in to steal your food and make a mess of the place.

Is this like "Pick your poison?"
"Well, Your Honor, it was a home invasion! This bug coming to rob me blind –
it flew in my face all agitated and buzzing away, I pleaded 'No! Get off me!'
but it kept attacking. It happened so quickly, I didn't mean to do it,
just grabbed the nearest thing to protect myself, and, and, (sniffle),
I sprayed it (sob) with Country Garden (sob) ..."

You plant a country garden to invite insects to your yard,
and spray-paint the air inside your house, tagging it
with the aroma of a country garden.
Man! The bugs MUST be confused!
You invite them to your yard, but won't let them in the house?

So which do you spray first?

The RAID to kill the bugs, then the air freshener to cover up
the stench of death, the bitter whiff of poison?

Or, the air freshener? Lure insects in like the Ted Bundy mass murderer you are,
entice them to your lair and spring the trap –
push the nozzle and pull the trigger, so to speak ...

East Oakland, when I grew up, a neighbor kid took his b-b-gun
and shot the cockroaches from the walls of his dad's garage - but today
we're civilized with our death penalties:
we use gas chambers and a cocktail of chemicals.
No blood, no guilty conscience, no constant wringing of hands in the bathroom sink.

We put up walls and a roof to keep the outside "outside"
we bring in houseplants and aromatherapy and
the smell of grandma's greens boiling on the stove –
and then we kill the environment
by killing the environment that crawls in?

Hey! I got new neighbors at the apartment building - a bee hive!
It's a 24-hour operation, a buzz of activity, constant traffic, creatures
with bugged-out eyes terrorizing the rest of the neighborhood.
It's like living next door to a crack den!

One of them buggers broke in -- snuck in thru the apartment window.
I confronted her, shooed her, pointed to the open window, but she
kept banging her head against the glass till she wigged out
and flew into my face with a vengeance.
Totally 51-50!
I evicted her for non-payment of rent, but the sheriffs wouldn't take her out with force.

So yeah, I rolled up a newspaper and smacked that azzzzzzz!
My dad did it to me, and it sure kept ME on the straight & narrow and
standing at attention!
If she couldn't take it like a man, just fall to the floor, curl up & die,
that's not MY fault, know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I was ticked off – I couldn't burn incense
or let my lady in wearing her lavender perfume after that,
and I NEED that aromatherapy to un-stress and keep ME from buggin out!

So people: use peppermint oil or cayenne instead,
to keep those neurotic insects away ...